Dispatches from the Baby Zone

Baby Zone

0600: Strange noises coming from baby’s room. Remain motionless and hope that husband gets out of bed first. Crack one eye to see that husband is actually in the shower (damn). Stumble, bleary-eyed, out of bed. Further investigation confirms suspicion that baby has indeed awoken. Instantly regret last night’s decision to watch “one more episode” of Game of Thrones and consequently staying up until midnight. Remember that I am not 20 years old anymore and vow to never repeat this mistake again. Attempt to not fall down the stairs while going to make a bottle.

0630: Baby falls back asleep after his bottle. Gently (oh so gently) lay him back down in crib and creep out of nursery like a ninja. Send fervent thanks up to all the gods while stumbling back to bed and grab a sock to drape over my eyes. Wonder for the hundredth morning in a row why the sun must be so infernally bright.

0800: Baby awakes again. Resign myself to getting up since this is, in fact, a reasonable waking hour for a 9-month old. Start breakfast routine. Uneventful morning.

1000 – 1130: Baby is napping. Piddle around the house, drink coffee, and generally waste time until I realize with a panic that he’ll be waking up soon and I still haven’t showered. Get distracted while in shower and forget whether I washed my hair. Spend several minutes trying to remember, then give up and wash hair again. Realize that the 2-in-1 shampoo I bought to save time does not, in fact, save time when it is used twice in one shower.

1145: Baby is awake. Bring him into bedroom with several books to keep him entertained while I finish getting ready (AKA spray myself repeatedly in the eye with sea salt spray while attempting to “fix” my hair).

1146: First check. Baby playing happily with books. Return to bathroom.

1147: Second check. Baby playing happily with books. Return to bathroom.

1148: Third check. Baby playing happily with books. Return to ba—… wait. What was that?

1148: Suspicious sound confirmed to be baby flipping over dog’s water bowl.

1149: Remember now that I meant to pick up water bowl yesterday (oops…). Throw towel down to soak up water out of carpet. Chase baby down and attempt to strip off soaked clothing while he crawls away as fast as possible. Realize that drenched footie pajamas are only slightly easier to remove than an actual wetsuit. Admit to myself that I have no idea how hard a wetsuit is to remove, but a one-piece bathing suit is pretty hard so it must be tough.

1155: After letting baby happily play naked, attempt to dress baby. Realize that while it’s great that baby has developed such a fondness for books, it is less great when baby melts into hysterics when taken away from books for such silly things as diaper changes/feeding/etc.

1200: Prepare baby’s lunch. Start microwave to warm green beans, and turn to calm baby, who is still angry about books.

1200: Suspicious sound coming from microwave. Turn to see sparks coming from green beans. SPARKS. Of FIRE. Make a mental note to Google “what makes green beans spark” and feed baby applesauce instead.

1205: Try to remember if I brushed my teeth. Cannot remember, but don’t want to waste energy brushing them again after 2-in-1 shampoo debacle.

1230: Detect slight bodily discomfort; confirm need to pee. Decide to delay bathroom trip since baby is finally calm and I just need to fix a damn sandwich. Confirm that I am slightly hangry as well.

1235: Still can’t remember if I brushed my teeth…

1300: Sandwich is finished and baby is playing. Feel a sneeze coming on and remember with a panic that a) I forgot to pee earlier, and b) my pelvic floor is still pretty lax even nine months after pushing a baby out of my nether regions.

1301: Head to bathroom to check status of post-sneeze underwear (also feel slightly amazed that my bladder was that full since I don’t think I’ve had any water since breakfast). Still can’t remember if teeth were brushed. Plan to brush teeth after checking underwear.

1302: Underwear acceptable. Go to kitchen to drink some water. Feel like I forgot to do something…

1305: Baby is fussing again. Remember that I was supposed to start a roast in the crockpot at noon. Check status of crockpot, which is confirmed to be dirty in sink. Text husband to tell him that dinner will be pizza.

1330: Put baby down for nap. Remember that I forgot to brush teeth after underwear check. Decide to brush teeth anyway, then remember halfway through that I did in fact brush them already.

1335: Chill out and catch up on some Netflix (yessss…).

1500: Baby wakes up. Walk into room to hear giggles coming from crib and see a great big smile on his sweet little face. Realize that I wouldn’t change a thing about this day.

1501: But did I brush my teeth yet?